I would be a hypocrite to admit that I am all happy happy joy joy during these days.  But the truth is, I may be experiencing some sort of reverse culture shock.  In a way, I am quite shocked to realize that I have not totally embraced the idea of living my life here permanently.  First of all, the biggest thing I am having a hard time getting used to is finding out what I really want and what my role is in MrC’s business. From time to time, I get into a mini-panic mode that I am totally f#$% up in my career so to speak.  My usual default is to find a job but somehow this is no longer practical for me.  In short, I am very confused now about what the hell I am doing in this country.  My first instinct is to go back to the States where I could be with people I know and somehow be in a sort of system which I have come accustomed to.  I like the freedom and independence there, and also having simple stuff that works like HOT water, electricity, plumbing– things like that.  When I say independence, I also mean financial independence, earning something that I know comes from my own efforts.   I definitely do not want to be a housewife (not that there is anything wrong with it) but it’s just NOT ME and I do not ever dream of being one. I sometimes worry  about not having a career (whatever that means).

On the lighter side,  I would also miss spring!

However, this situation I am in is a double-edged sword.  On the other hand, I am in a place where starting a business needs so much less capital I know I can start up things with much less risk.  However, I totally have no clue where to start and if I start on something I have this tendency to get lost along the way or lose fire (ningas kugon).  I think this is one thing that I need to really change about myself.  I have to follow through– I need to be self motivated to continue on what I started.  One thing this country has an abundance of is plenty of nicer, courteous and helpful people. And true enough, abroad, I feel that most people are rather into themselves most of the time.  There is a serious recession taking place there and it is probably something I have not experienced or seen before in my 9 years of living there.  So with this, I am still grateful of being here and not having to worry financially.  And yes, I am quite happy for MrC’s business taking off finally and I am willingto support him in every way I can… After all, isn’t that what marriage is all about?

But then, maybe our preparation timeline is quite unrealistically short after all. We still need to talk about our roles in the business. I would like him to see me as his equal and I wanted to be assured that he trusts my technical abilities as well as dedication to our business. I also want to know if this synergy between us will continue in the workplace as I hoped it would be. I want our working relationship to be both professional and fun at the same time. We can be both like Mulder and Scully and Jim and Pam at the same time, can’t we?. I have worked with lots of men in this field and one of the most irritating experiences involved men with large egos and those who underestimate my capabilities. But on the other hand, I have seen myself work in a team environment with great synergy with my peers both men and women alike. I would like to be respected as much as I respect others. And this time, I want to run the show as much as he does. I just hope we can always reach a compromise at all times without emotions hurt. And certainly I don’t want our disagreements to even reach home.

Some of the questions that linger in my mind are:

Is it possible for a Husband-Wife Team to become successful entrepreneurs? Will our married life suffer if we enter into a high-stress business such as IT?

I just read several articles about husbands and wives starting up their business and that now I am considering finding a therapist or coach who does family business counseling. MrC (the hubby), had suggested we should draft some kind of agreement on a smart exit strategy in case it all blows up because either one of us wants to be out of the business or worse (knock on wood) the relationship. We don’t even want to imagine that this might happen but we want to be protected from personal financial disasters should these things happen. The important points I picked up from these articles include the following:

• Always put your relationship first and set boundaries
• Don’t let work become your life. Remember to play together as well.
• Communication and commitment is key
• Working together puts an added strain on your relationship

We tend to view the business as our baby. We are of course still open and aiming to also become parents of a real human baby but as of now, with or without one it is okay for both of us. There are pressures from family and some people around to push us to have a family but that’s not as simple as it seems biologically and practically at this time and that is another issue that is outside of the confines of this blog.

Now at least I feel a bit relieved that I have now expressed what I feel now and that this is one of my major fears coupled with the idea of leaving our existing “stable” situation here and then putting up a startup in another country with so much uncertainty. And by the way, to update you about my job woes, right now everything has totally turned for good. It’s like I started in a new company. They have done a great deal in making things better for me such as hiring additional competent staff and it makes all the difference in the world. My interest and energy has come back in my job that now the whole perspective has changed. Keep posted for more articles on my ever swaying moods about life here in the Netherlands and my ever-indecisive female mind concerning moving to the Philippines. It is after all an open idea, the plan is there but as it not set in stone things can evolve in really strange way. If it is your first time to read this blog, I encourage you to visit the blog regularly to see how this plan evolves. All comments and suggestions are appreciated.

But how many of those thousands or millions of nurses, engineers or doctors perhaps actually like their job? I am pretty sure some of them have other aspirations or talents which would have otherwise been put to good use. One time during lunch at work, in my lunch table there was another Asian lady and a Dutch lady in my table. The Asian lady concluded that she would want to steer her daughter towards taking a profession such as doctor or lawyer and such while her daughter is still young. The Dutch lady’s reaction is not surprising to me since I have already lived here for a while but it may seem strange for Filipinos. For her, if she had a child she would let her discover what she wants freely — whatever that is! Here, parents are pretty liberal that kids do not get in trouble for dropping out of University. Back in our country, if we dropout from school and pursue things we want, our parents would be furious! Anyways, that’s just a story I want to share of how different mindset prevail in other cultures which we might learn from if we want to think out of the box and go beyond what we are accomplishing now.

Right now, one of the main psychological struggles I have about going back to the Philippines is the feeling or mindset that I should stay here because I would earn more money here. Like for example, a few weeks ago I got distracted after stumbling upon an Irish job site and finding out how much salary I get or hourly rate I get per hour if I work there! I even went as far as posting my CV and talking to a recruiter on the phone! At the end of the day, reality struck of course. Will living there actually make me happy? Will I actually have time then to rethink my “career” or personal life or start a new business venture if I move again to another country and start being part of the rat race? Is this really what I want to do in my life? Do I really just want to have a stable job and live in a nice row-house in Haarlem (inside joke) waiting for retirement before I actually do what I want to do? What is the whole point of earning lots of money when I am not happy and extremely tired physically and emotionally?

I think one thing that I realized lately is that one criteria that you are in the right profession or business is that you do not consider it “work” but rather you are so passionate enough that there is already a thin line between work and leisure. In your mind you only worked for 3 hours but productivity wise you were in it the whole day but during those times you never even noticed time pass by because you enjoyed it. And next thing you know, you are making really good progress and such great output that you end up actually making money from it. Believe me, I think this is the key.. you have to love what you do and money will surely follow.

I don’t consider myself totally well off but neither am I totally dependent on a job. I can afford to not work for several months but still.. there is this guilt feeling that I am turning away from something “OK” money-wise. A few days ago, I spoke to a Filipina lady friend and told her about our plans but she told me that it is way too expensive to live there. Is that really true? I guess, it depends on how I live and where I live? I have read forums and discussions on this subject and I think it depends on each family’s situation such as how many children, age, spending habits and such. So anyways, I admit that I myself am guilty of worrying about money even if it can be unrealistic sometimes and I know that this is one of the reasons many of us are holding off going back to the Philippines.. money.. but then at the end of the day this cliche still comes out true: “it doesn’t make you happy” but still.. why aren’t we listening to our heart?

Meanwhile, the startup company’s CTO had sent me a message to let me know that they are going on a different direction on their hiring but they would like to keep my resume in file. Nevertheless, that interview has served its purpose. His story has inspired me to go for my dreams of making it big on my own even if that means breaking free from the safety of employment. He was basically a developer like me for many years working hard for companies who made millions from software he made and he did it over and over until one day he realized why should he be the one who makes millions instead? Why shouldn’t I be my own employer? But on the meantime, my health takes priority. Rest assured, I will have more time to write now especially now that my creative juices are flowing.

Last Wednesday, I went to Leiden for an interview with the startup that tempted me. The guy who interviewed me was the Chief Technology Officer and it was a nice surprise that he was an American guy who came from New York City. So basically, it was a free-flowing conversation and he asked me mostly about my previous background in classic ASP trying mostly asking about “how” I made things. The office was situated at the city centrum (see photo), surrounded by market stalls, a canal, and shops but it was extremely quiet (insulated) inside the office. The office is in the 3rd floor of a historical building. He said that the rest of the staff come in like 2-3 times a week and work at home the rest of the week. The company also sends the whole staff twice a year for a general meeting to their Manhattan office (not bad!).
Well, to say the least I was quite hyped about it and got very enthusiastic about working for them that I agreed verbally to work on a trial-basis at the beginning, however, as soon as I got back home things started to sink in. As expected, he also asked me for my salary expectations.When I got home I soon remembered some points which I forgot to bring up. It was bound to happen but I could still e-mail my questions anyways. The main questions that were leftover were for example :

• What would be the possible future responsibilities of this position?
• Plans to upgrade to the latest technologies and such.

In my e-mail, (after thanking him of course) I emphasized that I am now in a permanent position now and in order for me to be able to give that up, I need either an attractive freelance contract or a solid employment offer. My current contract has a one month notice so in order to join their firm full time on the 1st of April, I’d have to resign before the end of February. However I also told them that I am eager to take on new opportunities and leave behind my current job. I perfectly understand that, as a startup company, they need to be sure about the staff they hire as well. I then proposed the following possibilities:

• the company offers me an employment contract starting 1st of April after successfully completing the trial assignment or..
• we agree on a 2 month free lance contract with a market conform rate. After this contract, they can choose not to continue or offer me a regular employment contract or continue with the freelance situation.

The next day I received a reply by e-mail and the answer something like this: They are motivated in hiring the right person but they continue to interview at the moment. They do expect a decision in the next 7-10 days. He also confirmed that this is indeed a software development position, with programming as primary responsibility. They also expect to transition to C# gradually but at least the projection is that in 2 years 100% of the code will be .NET. And this year they will be using the latest version available for the database server. He said, he thinks the sample project is a great start and he would be sending it the same day.

About 4 pm same day I received the programming assignment. It was only a small function but it would show him my coding style and how well I implement the solution to his problem. At around 6:30pm I have turned it in. After that time, I have received no reply yet. Oh well, I guess it’s fine whatever happens. In the meantime, in my day-off my colleagues from my department called me and told me they needed some data sent. However, my VPN does not work. I called our so-called network guys and the only thing he asked me was to reboot (!) and to reinstall my policy. Nothing worked. I am not surprised anyways.. This is one of the main things that leave me disgruntled about my job is that our network guys are so unreliable and our infrastructure is not working half the time.

It was good that my colleague was able to send me copies of my code and since I have a client installed on my machine I could at least see if it compiles. I sent him new code to handle the request and the code to create the job. It was finished in no time. Thanks to him!

But anyways, let’s see what happens.

• Flexible working hours
• Possibilities to work from home
• Trips to New York
• The possibility of further of growing in my field, but also in building and managing a ICT successful business venture.

It was even written in Dutch but I understood it perfectly well and most of the skills needed seem to match my experience.
So, to make it short I got tempted and e-mailed the contact from the company directly. In less than 2 minutes I got a reply from him. He wanted an interview! I was so excited I totally forgot about applying for the other jobs. This company seems so interesting that researching it further I found out that they do have a great potential in their field. But of course, looking at it again, it will really distract us from our goal.. but we can never know what kind of opportunities it will open up. I replied after a few hours of contemplation and set an appointment for Wednesday next week. He replied very quickly with a confirmation. It was interesting to note that he is the CTO of the company. And then, after like 2 minutes again he e-mailed again! He said that he just realized that I was from Jersey, and he was from New York himself! Interesting! What are the chances!? So anyways, I am really looking forward to this interview myself. Before I actually over-think the consequences of this action, maybe I will go through the interview first and see if I will really qualify. As they say — don’t count the eggs before … whatever!

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.

This blog is not meant to be an “I hate my work” site but I just can’t help it. This is one of the reasons I wanted to take the long break anyways. But day by day it seems that taking it slowly and planning for August is something I can’t stand waiting now.

Yesterday, my stress came back to me again with a vengeance. And it’s not just stress, I am just tired of doing the things I am doing and feel that others have it better. This is also made worse after interviewing several freelancers to help me in my job. It is just hard to forget in my mind that many people in this country can get away charging XX Euros per hour not having answered half of my technical questions. And to add to that he was telling me how great it is to be a freelancer in this time of age. The job market is really bad for employers, but it is a haven for us. So definitely I feel like a sucker. Why do I let my company stress me out like this for 2 years when I could go out and find a job that interests me and still make a killing. Immediately I tell my husband I want to be a freelancer like him and update my resume. I think it is a good idea to make a bit more money right before we make the plunge and also get to improve my skills — in the area that interests me. But also, he cautions me that maybe I just truly need a rest somehow. I assure him, this is also not just my stress. I am doing this inline with our general plan.

I admit, I still have fears and doubts about the outcome if I just leave the country seeing how good the market is. We are not even sure if we would both really like it there — although I am so positive about it. And it’s sometimes hard to justify the “idea” of just leaving your stable job just like that to family and friends when some of them are thinking it is the responsible thing to do — to have a stable job. In my mind, I am definitely convinced that it is the right thing to do but sometimes, the pull of the crowd is too strong. I think you all know what I mean. But today, I am going to enjoy my day-off.