Warning: Explicit Nagging and Ranting may be found in this posting.

I would be a hypocrite to admit that I am all happy happy joy joy during these days.  But the truth is, I may be experiencing some sort of reverse culture shock.  In a way, I am quite shocked to realize that I have not totally embraced the idea of living my life here permanently.  First of all, the biggest thing I am having a hard time getting used to is finding out what I really want and what my role is in MrC’s business. From time to time, I get into a mini-panic mode that I am totally f#$% up in my career so to speak.  My usual default is to find a job but somehow this is no longer practical for me.  In short, I am very confused now about what the hell I am doing in this country.  My first instinct is to go back to the States where I could be with people I know and somehow be in a sort of system which I have come accustomed to.  I like the freedom and independence there, and also having simple stuff that works like HOT water, electricity, plumbing– things like that.  When I say independence, I also mean financial independence, earning something that I know comes from my own efforts.   I definitely do not want to be a housewife (not that there is anything wrong with it) but it’s just NOT ME and I do not ever dream of being one. I sometimes worry  about not having a career (whatever that means).

On the lighter side,  I would also miss spring!

However, this situation I am in is a double-edged sword.  On the other hand, I am in a place where starting a business needs so much less capital I know I can start up things with much less risk.  However, I totally have no clue where to start and if I start on something I have this tendency to get lost along the way or lose fire (ningas kugon).  I think this is one thing that I need to really change about myself.  I have to follow through– I need to be self motivated to continue on what I started.  One thing this country has an abundance of is plenty of nicer, courteous and helpful people. And true enough, abroad, I feel that most people are rather into themselves most of the time.  There is a serious recession taking place there and it is probably something I have not experienced or seen before in my 9 years of living there.  So with this, I am still grateful of being here and not having to worry financially.  And yes, I am quite happy for MrC’s business taking off finally and I am willingto support him in every way I can… After all, isn’t that what marriage is all about?