I would be a hypocrite to admit that I am all happy happy joy joy during these days.  But the truth is, I may be experiencing some sort of reverse culture shock.  In a way, I am quite shocked to realize that I have not totally embraced the idea of living my life here permanently.  First of all, the biggest thing I am having a hard time getting used to is finding out what I really want and what my role is in MrC’s business. From time to time, I get into a mini-panic mode that I am totally f#$% up in my career so to speak.  My usual default is to find a job but somehow this is no longer practical for me.  In short, I am very confused now about what the hell I am doing in this country.  My first instinct is to go back to the States where I could be with people I know and somehow be in a sort of system which I have come accustomed to.  I like the freedom and independence there, and also having simple stuff that works like HOT water, electricity, plumbing– things like that.  When I say independence, I also mean financial independence, earning something that I know comes from my own efforts.   I definitely do not want to be a housewife (not that there is anything wrong with it) but it’s just NOT ME and I do not ever dream of being one. I sometimes worry  about not having a career (whatever that means).

On the lighter side,  I would also miss spring!

However, this situation I am in is a double-edged sword.  On the other hand, I am in a place where starting a business needs so much less capital I know I can start up things with much less risk.  However, I totally have no clue where to start and if I start on something I have this tendency to get lost along the way or lose fire (ningas kugon).  I think this is one thing that I need to really change about myself.  I have to follow through– I need to be self motivated to continue on what I started.  One thing this country has an abundance of is plenty of nicer, courteous and helpful people. And true enough, abroad, I feel that most people are rather into themselves most of the time.  There is a serious recession taking place there and it is probably something I have not experienced or seen before in my 9 years of living there.  So with this, I am still grateful of being here and not having to worry financially.  And yes, I am quite happy for MrC’s business taking off finally and I am willingto support him in every way I can… After all, isn’t that what marriage is all about?

I heard from MrC that his mother is still trying and pleading with him to change his mind.  Of course, it is never good to be far away from relatives.  I asked him if she thought we are making a bad decision but he said it’s only because she will feel bad not seeing us here close by.   Yes, she is right however MrC told her he will be miserable if we stayed here.  I know he doesn’t want to miss out on the opportunities and adventure the Philippines will bring to us.   Besides, we plan to visit at least once a year anyways.  How bad can that be?  I have been missing my family myself, them being in Canada and all.  The last time I saw them was last Christmas. Ok, that wasn’t so long but at least my mom would be with us in the Philippines this Christmas.  I have a hint that MrC would at least like to have our trip after Sinterklaas which is usually in the first week of December here.

We plan to have a house cooling before we leave.  I was only familiar with house warming up until now.  As of now, we plan to sell all of our big items: furniture, appliance and such.   The cost seems way to high to store them and ship them eventually compared to buying furniture once again.

We’ve been looking at places also: Pioneer (Mandaluyong), Ortigas, Makati, we still have to visit Fort Bonifacio, Alabang, Quezon City and our house. We are meeting people tonight. I am excited about this because they were my former officemates in my last project before I left for the US. This week was extremely busy indeed! We’ve had several lunch meetings with people such as Rob, a guy; I’ve met through this blog. He moved recently from the US and is very happy with his decision. We enjoyed exchanging our observations of life here and abroad. I also net another friend of mine from the US who came back here.

We rented a car and tried to drive to Rockwell by ourselves, and guess what, we entered a one-way street at Makati Avenue and ended up being caught by traffic enforcers (locals told us they are called bwaya or crocodiles here – go figure). I won’t go into details, but to make it short, it was quite an unpleasant memory for me. One thing I noticed about people here is that they try not to take things to seriously here and always have a silly sense of humor to make it through the day and maybe I should become like this (again) someday especially towards things that are out of my control. Nevertheless, my mood was bad for a couple of days. Today, I believe I have recovered from that bad experience.
Yesterday, we were looking at condo apartments in Makati with the help of a relative of mine and a broker she knows. Today, I just told my relative that we don’t need the help of that broker. Both of us didn’t like the fact that she was the one who caused them to be late by 2 hours. She also made tactless comment about me having a nice looking white guy, like I didn’t deserve to have one just because I don’t exactly look like a model. Anyway, I was not surprised of her reaction; I was expecting to have this reaction from locals anyways.
Our Dutch friend has warned us of this and I’ve also read some stories about this in the internet of how badly locals seem to look down on the Filipina spouse like as if she was someone below the league of the foreign guy or something. Anyways, these are one of the things I am trying to adjust with now. Things I did not hear or experience when I lived here decades ago as a single woman. Anyways so what!

Today, we saw a nice place in Mandaluyong, Pioneer area, and a new business district that is developing. It was near the mall and several big companies have made the place their home. MrC and I are quite impressed of the potential of this new CBD and this is definitely one place we’ll consider. We are already thinking of renting a condo unit there. Today, I sit with him in the office of our Dutch friend.

Earlier this week, we have gathered new ideas from MrC’s colleague. He said that one option we also have is not to really start a new company at all but to just hire companies that are already doing offshoring or individual freelancers and lower the risk and headaches that go with this direction. This also means that we don’t have to struggle thinking about who owns the new company, taxes, paperwork and matters like that. We can easily change our mind and not have to run into legal issues if we had employees. And also this way, if we decide to startup our own outsourcing or offshoring company we also would learn from our vendors. Basically, we plan to contact various offshoring companies and propose a setup where both of us would be physically there to manage the hired programmer(s). OK, it sounds like I am in it again and now of course it looks like it that I will be part of this after all but at least we don’t have to worry about who owns which and how much and such. At least that’s how it would be at the beginning. That also relieves us from having to find and recruit people ourselves.

But anyways, now, I am actually quite happy upon resigning and I do not feel as if I did it to escape something. I have a bit of sadness because I will be leaving nice colleagues, but in the long run it is not so bad. I always have this strange pattern that after I leave a company scary changes suddenly take place like people getting fired, or my boss getting fired or worse some kind of suing takes place in the company. Believe me strange things happen most of the time after I resign. Don’t ask me why. But anyways, I am leaving the Netherlands (and it feels great to say it). It is after all something that is bound to happen naturally. At least I see it was done in a good way. I still have to write my resignation letter still.

I guess that’s the deal-breaker. The second major thing is that his business partner finds that having us together as owners in the same company spells imbalance in the control of the direction of the business. They have both worked hard to develop their business for over a year already and having me there seems like not the right thing to do and besides.. didn’t I say earlier like you know.. when I started this blog that I wanted to have SABBATICAL. That was one of my main goals of choosing to move back to the Philippines. That will be a time for me not only to rest but to explore my interests, skills and develop myself free from any care or expectations from anyone. I think that is the way to go for me. However, I can foresee that my sabbatical will not take that long and soon I will discover something really cool for me to do. Of course, the only thing I can see myself doing right now is to be an IT professional/consultant and starting my own outsourcing company is always a dream that I would like to pursue but I think I should restrain myself from pushing myself too soon and then risk getting myself burned out again.

On the other hand, we both know and acknowledge that with this new big undertaking both of us should benefit and not just only one. We are in the process of coming up a plan or deal that in the end benefits both of us. In the next posts I hope this will be clear. I am after all giving up a pretty good job that pays well enough and an okay situation that I would probably miss from time to time. It’s a challenging job and has its ups and down but overall it’s a career and I do not see myself giving up on my personal dreams and ambitions for nothing.

And regarding our upcoming trip we have been slowly developing our itinerary as well for our upcoming visit. Later, we would be making appointments with some interesting people we’d like to meet as well as family of course. Only a few more weeks and we’re there !!

Next good news is that MrC and I are actually meeting people who might become key players in our business venture.  He is now working closely with a fellow Dutch businessman who is doing the same kind of outsourcing business in Vietnam and has a colleague that works here as well.    Their company has now provided one .Net web developer from Vietnam who will start ASAP on his current project.  They are also very willing to assist us with any information we might need to setup our venture which is actually almost the same as what they are doing.   Hopefully we could learn a lot from them!  MrC is also constantly searching for people knowledgeable in mobile development in the Symbian platform as well.   On the other hand, through this blog we were also fortunate to meet one highly talented individual who we hope to meet up with during our trip in August and see how it develop from there.

At work, it is becoming easier and easier for me to really leave without any feelings of guilt or whatsoever because I have made known to my boss and now to my colleagues what the trip in the Philippines means.  It is not 100% sure but it surely is close to that.   After our 3 week trip, and if all went well, I will resign from my job immediately.  On the meantime, the HR has sent me a message that they are going to hire a full-time employee to assist me since the one we have now is a freelancer consultant who has no plans of being a corporate slave anyways they need us to provide them with a good job description for this new colleague.  For me, I think this person is also my replacement as well so at least they won’t be in a risky situation when the freelancer’s contract ends or if I leave.

With regards to my residency status here, it is still unclear but it looks like I will end up being a tourist when my 5 year permit ends in 2 years.     I need to pass inburgering (inbuggering) before that 5 year is up otherwise they will not renew my permit.  This would mean that if I am really motivated enough to stay here I have to at least pass this state language exam and just thinking about this wants me pack my bags now and leave for the States.  Anyways, I asked MrC again, he knows this but I constantly ask him anyways, I constantly wanted confirmation that we would go the U.S. if Philippines is no longer a choice.  In a heartbeat I will apply for his visa to the US and that should only take less than 9 months if we applied from the consulate here in the Netherlands.

You know, I truly appreciate the Netherlands and what it has done for me personally and the experience of meeting wonderful and interesting people here is priceless.  However, when the inburgering and the “meedoen” pressure they put upon immigrants like me who are hardworking and contribute to Dutch society is pretty much an insult and to me I’m heartbroken from it because I’ve seen several good relationships fall apart from it and foreign partners live in depression in such a country that talks of itself as  tolerant, fair and most of all a welfare state(!).  But times are changing and so my husband and I are preparing ourselves to go if our dreams cannot be realized in such a place.

But then, maybe our preparation timeline is quite unrealistically short after all. We still need to talk about our roles in the business. I would like him to see me as his equal and I wanted to be assured that he trusts my technical abilities as well as dedication to our business. I also want to know if this synergy between us will continue in the workplace as I hoped it would be. I want our working relationship to be both professional and fun at the same time. We can be both like Mulder and Scully and Jim and Pam at the same time, can’t we?. I have worked with lots of men in this field and one of the most irritating experiences involved men with large egos and those who underestimate my capabilities. But on the other hand, I have seen myself work in a team environment with great synergy with my peers both men and women alike. I would like to be respected as much as I respect others. And this time, I want to run the show as much as he does. I just hope we can always reach a compromise at all times without emotions hurt. And certainly I don’t want our disagreements to even reach home.

Some of the questions that linger in my mind are:

Is it possible for a Husband-Wife Team to become successful entrepreneurs? Will our married life suffer if we enter into a high-stress business such as IT?

I just read several articles about husbands and wives starting up their business and that now I am considering finding a therapist or coach who does family business counseling. MrC (the hubby), had suggested we should draft some kind of agreement on a smart exit strategy in case it all blows up because either one of us wants to be out of the business or worse (knock on wood) the relationship. We don’t even want to imagine that this might happen but we want to be protected from personal financial disasters should these things happen. The important points I picked up from these articles include the following:

• Always put your relationship first and set boundaries
• Don’t let work become your life. Remember to play together as well.
• Communication and commitment is key
• Working together puts an added strain on your relationship

We tend to view the business as our baby. We are of course still open and aiming to also become parents of a real human baby but as of now, with or without one it is okay for both of us. There are pressures from family and some people around to push us to have a family but that’s not as simple as it seems biologically and practically at this time and that is another issue that is outside of the confines of this blog.

Now at least I feel a bit relieved that I have now expressed what I feel now and that this is one of my major fears coupled with the idea of leaving our existing “stable” situation here and then putting up a startup in another country with so much uncertainty. And by the way, to update you about my job woes, right now everything has totally turned for good. It’s like I started in a new company. They have done a great deal in making things better for me such as hiring additional competent staff and it makes all the difference in the world. My interest and energy has come back in my job that now the whole perspective has changed. Keep posted for more articles on my ever swaying moods about life here in the Netherlands and my ever-indecisive female mind concerning moving to the Philippines. It is after all an open idea, the plan is there but as it not set in stone things can evolve in really strange way. If it is your first time to read this blog, I encourage you to visit the blog regularly to see how this plan evolves. All comments and suggestions are appreciated.

Another thing hanging is the fact that I passed the driving theory test and that is only good for one year. I have been driving since I was 20 years old both in the Philippines and the US and here I could not even drive at all because believe me it is not that easy to pass the theory test and after that you can’t even take the practical test immediately. They want you to take driving lessons all over again and they cost a fortune (average is 40 Euros per hour) and I have heard horror stories from others who had experiences with these driving instructors deliberately preventing them from actually taking the test by making them less confident during the lessons and not giving the recommendation to take the practical test just because they can suck the money out of you because you have no choice thinking that you have already invested so much in it. Here you cannot do practices with someone who has a license, you must be accompanied by a driving instructor. It costs a lot of money to get a drivers license and many people fail it so many times before they even get one.

Since we are leaving the country I don’t see myself now even trying for this. But still I may try to consider this when I have enough free time and psychologically ready to undergo it. Even then, if we don’t end up staying in the Philippines, we will come back here just to regroup and make plans to move either to the U.S. or Canada.

And also, by the way, I would like share an article I accidentally found lately which deeply bothered me. I hope this would enlighten anyone who might be considering a move here or another country similar to this. Please read the following: Is “accent” a form of racism?

Bubbles was my classmate from Grade 4 to Grade 6 in the Philippines. It was in the 6th Grade where our group of 4 was formed and there is where we became good friends. During this time, I would recall that we were both elected in the student council with her as a P.R.O. if I am not mistaken and I became a marshal. If I recall it correctly, the student council marshal helps out the school staff in upholding peace and order in the campus. I can’t believe how I got into that position. But anyway, as we all know, the P.R.O. is the Public Relations Officer. Bubbles was raised by her parents speaking English at home and that made her standout from the rest of the candidates, plus, she had a “natural” assertive and outgoing personality so that position fitted her perfectly.

When high school started, most of the people from our barkada (group of friends) moved to other schools and only the two of us stayed in the same school. So it was just us then. We belonged to different sections but on our first year, our classrooms were right next to each other so even if we started making new friends we still ended up becoming best friends. That continued all four years, we talked on the phone about our crushes, we joined the same geeky clubs (library club, school newspaper) , we won school contests. She joined and won several Declamation and Speech contests and for me it’s Spelling and Current Events. And of course we hangout after school doing girly high school things we don’t want our parents to know. In our Junior year, we even joined CAT officer training and I was the one who got her into it. Unfortunately, it was only her who made it to the final set of officers selected. It was quite a big disappointment for me but I had to accept it and move on. In our senior year, we became classmates finally and from there we formed a solid 4-girl group. I ended up having to speak English all the time because all 3 of them spoke English. It’s not that they are playing pa-sosyal or that but it’s because one of them grew up in the U.S. and the other one grew up in Nigeria speaking English. At first it was kind of uneasy for me but later on I started to get used to it. However, we could not deny that we were a bit different from the rest of the school. But now looking back, I am grateful for that experience.

Anyways, back to the story. Bubbles was a late bloomer and she honestly accepts that. In Grade school, and maybe even up to our sophomore year, Bubbles was always in front of the line .. and you know the meaning of that. We always formed lines (queues) back in school for reasons of order when going to a school event. The person that is always in front of the line is usually the shortest girl or boy in the class. Bubbles is one year younger than everyone else because as I recall she skipped one year sometime between prep and 2nd grade. So that’s one reason next to being a late bloomer of course. In our junior year, suddenly, the late bloomer blossomed! Boys started noticing her and at first she found these guys irritating and she called them “surot” which meant bed bugs in English. But later on there was one whom she actually did like but I guess it was too late because the guy never continued his advances and then we eventually graduated. At this time, I started getting busy myself not with boys but I started joining a Christian community. I think this is when we started drifting apart. And of course, we ended up in different universities. She went to the blue one and I went to the green one. But even then, she did send me a letter once in a while. That was way back before e-mails and Friendsters. On my 18th birthday, I invited her to my party which was held in my house. Most of my guests were composed of my college and church friends. After that she sent another letter from me and this time she honestly told me that during that party she felt really out of place and that she felt that both of us are really changing and that it was sad to admit that our lives are going on different ways inevitably. She also told me that she is moving to the Netherlands along with her family since her father was assigned there. After that, I still received a couple more letters from the Netherlands. That was in the early 90′s.

I don’t recall really what city she lived in but now I am wondering if she is still here in the same country as me or is she back home in the Philippines. I have come in contact with a common friend who lives in the US and she also didn’t hear anything from her nor from any of our batchmates. She is not in our Friendster group and even if I use google nothing comes out! Where in the world is Bubbles? If you would like to help, feel free to link to this post in your blog or webpage.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0kQM3WPWOY]

In some countries, to even obtain your dream house meant signing out your life into a 30 year mortgage which you have to make sure that you can pay. And then, this house determines most of your everyday decisions. In this area, a 3 bedroom townhouse/rowhouse will cost between 250K to 300K Euros and a single detached house costs between 300K to 400K! Paying the mortgage every month and other expenses becomes the deciding factor when taking a job. And yes you do need a job! And you better not lose it! We both have to work hard on a job that we may or may not like day after day looking forward to the weekend where you can catch up with you daily housework, maybe take a rest, see friends, or have a lazy day. There’s nothing wrong with that! But somehow, my husband and I seem to find that what we really want is not here in this country where bureaucracy is extreme and the cultural atmosphere prevent us from realizing our plans. We want a nice spacious castle house and a thriving business venture we can call our own but we also do not want to be slaves of our mortgage and car payments either!

But to answer where is home, to my husband, home means any place where he is. He says he feels at home wherever he is. For me, to be honest I do not feel at home in this country. First of all, I don’t even speak the language nor I have the desire to learn it. But I do realize, I have married myself into a Dutch family and being able to hold a conversation with them is important. But believe me, it is not that easy and somehow my heart is not really there. To be honest, my infatuation with the US is still there, however, I am not sure if the country will be in good shape for the next few months or years but is still one of our options (I am pretty much in favor of coming to back to the US if our plans on going to the Philippines is not going to push through). The Philippines, on the other hand fits naturally within our strategic plans and several surprise opportunities are showing up each week. One software firm expressed interest in having him resell their software in the Philippines. And he also told me that software projects for his current client is something that will go on for quite a while so all the signs are good. But of course, we will find out when we go there if it is what we hoped it would be.

For me, I know I am at home when I don’t feel like moving ever! When that happens I’ll let you know.