Fast-forward to now.. I come back to the Philippines not knowing what is there for me. I have done my sabbatical. I have helped out start my husband’s team. But what is there now for me to do? If you have known me all my life (and read the first paragraph) you would guess it right — I would be trying to continue where I left of here in my old country. I would apply for jobs, like everyone else! That’s reasonable? Why not? That’s the first thing every Philippine-raised regular girl would think normally.

But think again, the job market I left 15 years ago is still the same, right? WRONG! I am still the same person after all, right? WRONG AGAIN! I know it will take years and many deep reflection before I really admit that I am not the same person that left Manila 15 years ago. Period. But..but.. First of all, it is not even what I think but what others think of me. Imagine you are listening to me in an interview and I tell you everything I did the past 15 years, would you even relate? This is not about me thinking I am superior or better but imagine having someone decide and evaluate if I would fit in their team I think either they would find me very interesting and worth hiring or they would feel threatened or even jealous, or worse they would think I am just bragging. I do hope it’s not the latter. I am now a foreigner. No! No! I was born here you see I am Fil-Am. But to the eyes of the local I am not. It doesn’t help me telling them I have a Dutch husband running an IT team here. I am forever different no matter how much I try. What about the stories I tell them? Would they even appreciate the new / radical ideas I have to offer? The non-competitive salaries don’t help either. It makes me think twice why I am wasting my time giving my time to greedy and conniving employers that don’t even care or value me or worse, have no plans on following the law. There are much more people competing for the same jobs as ever before. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, it is relative. It is a good thing for employers of course! They have the upperhand because they are scarce and we are not.

I want to do my part in helping my countrymen but I will be honest these will all be empty words unless I do something real. I could of course start a business. Yes, of course there are many opportunities. However, I will admit my business acumen and tolerance to risk is not something I have even started developing at a basic level. I am trying my best to discover another side of me which has not been tapped. To be an entrepreneur means hardwork (can do that!). It is discipline — working on it every single day without giving up. The temptation is still there for me to still continue pushing myself back towards the treadmill that is called employment. Having a career and hunting for the next job opportunity is what I do know, after all.

I long for the day when things will be clear. When that day comes, there is no turning back.

 I met a young cheerful lady applying for the same position I was applying for and found out that she has been working for the past 4 years on graveyard shift.  She wanted to leave her job for the sole reason that the night shift nature of the job has affected her health and relationships.  She told me that on the average she is only getting 6 hours of sleep a day and currently she has been taking sleeping pills regularly.  To add to this, she is not even able to spend time with family even on weekends because it is the only time she can catch up with sleep and let her body recover.  Oh and the way she told me..it’s like .. her bosses –  they are already deep into it for many years..  it’s like entering the dark side and you’re sucked into a different world and it seems that there’s no more turning back.   Through the years, they have managed to form their own “social night circles”.    They live in a parallel world.  Sounds like an M. Night Shyamalan movie, indeed.

The last few weeks, I have been exploring the idea of trying to work in another company.  I have submitted my CV to several online sites.    The following are my observations:

1. Job application process is usually long.  You fill up lengthy forms, go through a battery of Harvard-type entrance exams, and of course a technical exam to measure your skill before you get to have an interview.
2. Headhunters are commonplace now.  They call you or email you and ask you to come in for an interview even before telling you about a job opening.  I had to insist on them giving me facts about the job they are referring to before I even meet them. They usually reveal the information during the interview.  You end up having a good feeling that you might have a chance but no longer hear from them for weeks. I guess there’s only one way to deal with this but to call them back for updates.  If you receive a call from a headhunter, better ask for a salary range if salary is somewhat important to you.  You don’t want to waste your time filling out long application forms detailing all your job history and even provide references.   I decided not to provide other people’s contact information first since there no real job offers yet.
3. Make sure to ask if it’s a day shift or night shift job.  Most jobs that pay well are sad to say, night shift.  And during my talks with recruiters, they even ask why I would not want a night shift.  It seems that it is normal now to work in a night shift job, regardless of what profession you are in, especially if you are applying for a job in BPO service providing company.
4. I was offered to start immediately on part-time, consultant on a trial basis by a company that seemed desperate to get someone on board.  I found out later on that the person who used to hold the position just left with a 1 day notice, to work in Singapore.  I observed how demanding the work environment is.  I also notice they pay no overtime and that the staff are working up to 17 hours to finish deadlines.  The owner/manager/HR claimed that they never ask them to do it and the staff are doing it on their own but as I see it everyday they are being scolded or pep talked into doing their best.  Talk about slave labor.  I could not stand working for a business owner who treats people like this.  I also noticed that they are quite cheap on things that matter to finish the work (old slow and nonworking machine) and clunky office chairs.  Oh well!  They were even hesitant for me to bring a copy of the contract home with me, that alone was already a warning sign!  I left them after 7 days since the contract was really a try-before-you buy basis anyways.  I think that boss will trump all the bad bosses I’ve ever seen in my life.
5. There’s mostly junior/fresh grad workers that are left in companies because probably the experienced ones have left already abroad or for greener pastures.
6. Again, as of now I still have not found a company that promotes work-life balance.  Some say they do but they send their staff abroad for weeks at a time.  I can imagine this is somewhat exciting for younger folks but what kind of effect that will bring for those who have family or relationships.
7. Some companies still have that classic blatant school, and age discrimination reflected in the job postings.
8. Seniority and hierarchy is adhered to here religiously.  There is a high degree of respect expected from subordinates.  The practice of “Sir” and “Ma’am” and po and opo are everywhere.  Funny in the 90′s all the jobs I had back in the Philippines did not have this practice of using titles.  I am pretty sure we called our supervisors and even presidents on first name basis.
9. If you are 30 and above, you are expected to be in a senior position.  Expect to answer to someone as young as 28 to 30, but that’s not probably the norm.  I have no problems with that as long as they earned it well.
10. Relaxed and laidback environments I still have yet to see… According to the Headhunter/Recruiter, competition and politics is rampant now among peers.  Geez, this is definitely something I did not imagine Filipinos being like based on my memories of the 90′s.. Oh well I am really old! Darn!

If you’re wondering why I am doing this.  MrC’s offshoring thing is doing well, branching out to mobile development and new work requests from his client, however, one project was phased out and my work was heavily in that area so suddenly I wasn’t so busy with work.  I do not exactly  have to work but I felt that I also have to do something for myself even if the financial aspects of our day to day life is not really a concern now.   I still want to make sure I am gaining enough experience in my field continuously and not rusting at home. I know you understand what I mean.   However, it is indeed going back to the Rat Race which I previously preached against..   I am not saying I’ve turned back.  I still have to figure out things on a day to day basis what I really want and what I am good at.  As it is with having too much free time, discipline falls down the drain and I have to whip myself back to being motivated to do something… oh yeah, like for example blogging!

The itinerary I chose is also somewhat wacky.  My hubby and I flew from the Philippines to Amsterdam and I stayed there for a week to attend the wedding of my sister in law.  After 5 days I knew I could only stand living there for one more day.  It seems that everytime I visit Amsterdam, I feel more and more of a stranger to the country.  What with all the stares I get and all the awkward conversations I had with both Dutch people and fellow foreigners (allochtonen) like me.  At some instance, I even had a fellow foreigner bully me into listening to her strange stories and crazy comments about me and my hubby.

When I was called for second interview right at the port of entry (and a thorough luggage search) I wasn’t surprised after telling them my weird but true story and the fact that I flew to North America by way of Amsterdam.  I knew I might trigger red flags. However,  after also spending a week with my family in Canada whom I really missed I also felt out of place and couldn’t find a quiet place to do anything worthwhile. The kids were all over the place (and all over me). I needed room to breathe.

That is why now I continued my sojourn into my past.  I found myself an affordable but comfy place right in South Jersey where I used to live.  The flight yesterday was quite painless.  The only trouble is that traveling alone without my hubby is such a chore with 2 pcs of luggage I had to roll around by myself across the Philadelphia airport towards the rental car shuttle and on towards the rental car office.    I was pretty sure my reservation said Prius or any midsize car but for some reason the agent said that is 10$ extra per day.  Are they scamming me or what?  I was too tired to argue so I just said fine whatever.  It turns out they didn’t even have a Prius. Oh well, nevermind then.  I ended up with a cute Kia Soul which I am not even sure counts as midsize.  With the insurance added, the total cost doubled.  Grr.  Can I downgrade? They said no.  Ok fine here’s my card.

Driving was so easy.  I didn’t even have to use my phone’s GPS which suddenly lost it’s voice.  It bailed out on me.  I’m just so glad I still remember the area (in general).   I used to live there back in 2002 anyways.    I arrived in the hotel without getting lost.

The (stupid)/(careless) concierge told me my name was not found in the computer.  I told her it was prepaid.  She said maybe I booked in the other branch. Duh!  I was about to show her the documents when she suddenly said she found my record.  She was looking at another date.

The room I got was fine although the TV was quite outdated and the remote not working right: every button was just adding -1 to the channel and there is no working power off button.  I decided to keep my dinner simple by buying something I like from the supermarket.  After all, I have a nice little fridge here.

I didn’t have a nice long sleep but I felt rested nevertheless.  I had free breakfast downstairs.  The breakfast was of course not remarkable.  The eggs had a weird smell to it so I kinda skipped it. They had canadian bacon though which I gladly put in between 2 slices of brown bread.  Fresh juices on the vending machine and cereals. They also had muffins too.  After that, I asked the concierge (new shift) if I could change to another room that is not adjoined (has door that opens to other room).  Creepy especially for someone alone like me.   Luckily she allowed me to move to another room.  The TV was the same, remote was the same but this time the channels can go forward and backwards.  Don’t get me wrong.  This hotel isn’t a scary bates motellish motor inn.  It’s kinda even +1 in luxury compared to Best Western: the beds were comfy, everything was also very clean and a high rise with elevators.  A plus for a security conscious and half scared / half brave adventurer like me.

I have talked to my cousin today who is currently in North Jersey and had received an invitation from a friend from the Philly suburbs for a stay this weekend.  As of now, I am still not sure whether I should go with my cousin on the 4th of July to watch the Manhattan skyline fireworks with her friends or attend a July 4 party in the suburbs.  I am partial to the fireworks but my cousin said if it’s possible I should do both.  There is another friend I contacted by email (who has a baby) but has not answered my phone calls.

I also received a short but thoughtful email from my nephew back in Canada. Today, I revisited my favorite PHO restaurant for lunchwhich MrC also liked.  The small bowl of pho was still $6.  I also tried to visit an Apple store but there was no Ipad with 3g available.  I got myself a phone mount.

I would be a hypocrite to admit that I am all happy happy joy joy during these days.  But the truth is, I may be experiencing some sort of reverse culture shock.  In a way, I am quite shocked to realize that I have not totally embraced the idea of living my life here permanently.  First of all, the biggest thing I am having a hard time getting used to is finding out what I really want and what my role is in MrC’s business. From time to time, I get into a mini-panic mode that I am totally f#$% up in my career so to speak.  My usual default is to find a job but somehow this is no longer practical for me.  In short, I am very confused now about what the hell I am doing in this country.  My first instinct is to go back to the States where I could be with people I know and somehow be in a sort of system which I have come accustomed to.  I like the freedom and independence there, and also having simple stuff that works like HOT water, electricity, plumbing– things like that.  When I say independence, I also mean financial independence, earning something that I know comes from my own efforts.   I definitely do not want to be a housewife (not that there is anything wrong with it) but it’s just NOT ME and I do not ever dream of being one. I sometimes worry  about not having a career (whatever that means).

On the lighter side,  I would also miss spring!

However, this situation I am in is a double-edged sword.  On the other hand, I am in a place where starting a business needs so much less capital I know I can start up things with much less risk.  However, I totally have no clue where to start and if I start on something I have this tendency to get lost along the way or lose fire (ningas kugon).  I think this is one thing that I need to really change about myself.  I have to follow through– I need to be self motivated to continue on what I started.  One thing this country has an abundance of is plenty of nicer, courteous and helpful people. And true enough, abroad, I feel that most people are rather into themselves most of the time.  There is a serious recession taking place there and it is probably something I have not experienced or seen before in my 9 years of living there.  So with this, I am still grateful of being here and not having to worry financially.  And yes, I am quite happy for MrC’s business taking off finally and I am willingto support him in every way I can… After all, isn’t that what marriage is all about?

Earlier this week, we have gathered new ideas from MrC’s colleague. He said that one option we also have is not to really start a new company at all but to just hire companies that are already doing offshoring or individual freelancers and lower the risk and headaches that go with this direction. This also means that we don’t have to struggle thinking about who owns the new company, taxes, paperwork and matters like that. We can easily change our mind and not have to run into legal issues if we had employees. And also this way, if we decide to startup our own outsourcing or offshoring company we also would learn from our vendors. Basically, we plan to contact various offshoring companies and propose a setup where both of us would be physically there to manage the hired programmer(s). OK, it sounds like I am in it again and now of course it looks like it that I will be part of this after all but at least we don’t have to worry about who owns which and how much and such. At least that’s how it would be at the beginning. That also relieves us from having to find and recruit people ourselves.

But anyways, now, I am actually quite happy upon resigning and I do not feel as if I did it to escape something. I have a bit of sadness because I will be leaving nice colleagues, but in the long run it is not so bad. I always have this strange pattern that after I leave a company scary changes suddenly take place like people getting fired, or my boss getting fired or worse some kind of suing takes place in the company. Believe me strange things happen most of the time after I resign. Don’t ask me why. But anyways, I am leaving the Netherlands (and it feels great to say it). It is after all something that is bound to happen naturally. At least I see it was done in a good way. I still have to write my resignation letter still.

But then, maybe our preparation timeline is quite unrealistically short after all. We still need to talk about our roles in the business. I would like him to see me as his equal and I wanted to be assured that he trusts my technical abilities as well as dedication to our business. I also want to know if this synergy between us will continue in the workplace as I hoped it would be. I want our working relationship to be both professional and fun at the same time. We can be both like Mulder and Scully and Jim and Pam at the same time, can’t we?. I have worked with lots of men in this field and one of the most irritating experiences involved men with large egos and those who underestimate my capabilities. But on the other hand, I have seen myself work in a team environment with great synergy with my peers both men and women alike. I would like to be respected as much as I respect others. And this time, I want to run the show as much as he does. I just hope we can always reach a compromise at all times without emotions hurt. And certainly I don’t want our disagreements to even reach home.

Some of the questions that linger in my mind are:

Is it possible for a Husband-Wife Team to become successful entrepreneurs? Will our married life suffer if we enter into a high-stress business such as IT?

I just read several articles about husbands and wives starting up their business and that now I am considering finding a therapist or coach who does family business counseling. MrC (the hubby), had suggested we should draft some kind of agreement on a smart exit strategy in case it all blows up because either one of us wants to be out of the business or worse (knock on wood) the relationship. We don’t even want to imagine that this might happen but we want to be protected from personal financial disasters should these things happen. The important points I picked up from these articles include the following:

• Always put your relationship first and set boundaries
• Don’t let work become your life. Remember to play together as well.
• Communication and commitment is key
• Working together puts an added strain on your relationship

We tend to view the business as our baby. We are of course still open and aiming to also become parents of a real human baby but as of now, with or without one it is okay for both of us. There are pressures from family and some people around to push us to have a family but that’s not as simple as it seems biologically and practically at this time and that is another issue that is outside of the confines of this blog.

Now at least I feel a bit relieved that I have now expressed what I feel now and that this is one of my major fears coupled with the idea of leaving our existing “stable” situation here and then putting up a startup in another country with so much uncertainty. And by the way, to update you about my job woes, right now everything has totally turned for good. It’s like I started in a new company. They have done a great deal in making things better for me such as hiring additional competent staff and it makes all the difference in the world. My interest and energy has come back in my job that now the whole perspective has changed. Keep posted for more articles on my ever swaying moods about life here in the Netherlands and my ever-indecisive female mind concerning moving to the Philippines. It is after all an open idea, the plan is there but as it not set in stone things can evolve in really strange way. If it is your first time to read this blog, I encourage you to visit the blog regularly to see how this plan evolves. All comments and suggestions are appreciated.

But how many of those thousands or millions of nurses, engineers or doctors perhaps actually like their job? I am pretty sure some of them have other aspirations or talents which would have otherwise been put to good use. One time during lunch at work, in my lunch table there was another Asian lady and a Dutch lady in my table. The Asian lady concluded that she would want to steer her daughter towards taking a profession such as doctor or lawyer and such while her daughter is still young. The Dutch lady’s reaction is not surprising to me since I have already lived here for a while but it may seem strange for Filipinos. For her, if she had a child she would let her discover what she wants freely — whatever that is! Here, parents are pretty liberal that kids do not get in trouble for dropping out of University. Back in our country, if we dropout from school and pursue things we want, our parents would be furious! Anyways, that’s just a story I want to share of how different mindset prevail in other cultures which we might learn from if we want to think out of the box and go beyond what we are accomplishing now.

Right now, one of the main psychological struggles I have about going back to the Philippines is the feeling or mindset that I should stay here because I would earn more money here. Like for example, a few weeks ago I got distracted after stumbling upon an Irish job site and finding out how much salary I get or hourly rate I get per hour if I work there! I even went as far as posting my CV and talking to a recruiter on the phone! At the end of the day, reality struck of course. Will living there actually make me happy? Will I actually have time then to rethink my “career” or personal life or start a new business venture if I move again to another country and start being part of the rat race? Is this really what I want to do in my life? Do I really just want to have a stable job and live in a nice row-house in Haarlem (inside joke) waiting for retirement before I actually do what I want to do? What is the whole point of earning lots of money when I am not happy and extremely tired physically and emotionally?

I think one thing that I realized lately is that one criteria that you are in the right profession or business is that you do not consider it “work” but rather you are so passionate enough that there is already a thin line between work and leisure. In your mind you only worked for 3 hours but productivity wise you were in it the whole day but during those times you never even noticed time pass by because you enjoyed it. And next thing you know, you are making really good progress and such great output that you end up actually making money from it. Believe me, I think this is the key.. you have to love what you do and money will surely follow.

I don’t consider myself totally well off but neither am I totally dependent on a job. I can afford to not work for several months but still.. there is this guilt feeling that I am turning away from something “OK” money-wise. A few days ago, I spoke to a Filipina lady friend and told her about our plans but she told me that it is way too expensive to live there. Is that really true? I guess, it depends on how I live and where I live? I have read forums and discussions on this subject and I think it depends on each family’s situation such as how many children, age, spending habits and such. So anyways, I admit that I myself am guilty of worrying about money even if it can be unrealistic sometimes and I know that this is one of the reasons many of us are holding off going back to the Philippines.. money.. but then at the end of the day this cliche still comes out true: “it doesn’t make you happy” but still.. why aren’t we listening to our heart?

Last Wednesday, I went to Leiden for an interview with the startup that tempted me. The guy who interviewed me was the Chief Technology Officer and it was a nice surprise that he was an American guy who came from New York City. So basically, it was a free-flowing conversation and he asked me mostly about my previous background in classic ASP trying mostly asking about “how” I made things. The office was situated at the city centrum (see photo), surrounded by market stalls, a canal, and shops but it was extremely quiet (insulated) inside the office. The office is in the 3rd floor of a historical building. He said that the rest of the staff come in like 2-3 times a week and work at home the rest of the week. The company also sends the whole staff twice a year for a general meeting to their Manhattan office (not bad!).
Well, to say the least I was quite hyped about it and got very enthusiastic about working for them that I agreed verbally to work on a trial-basis at the beginning, however, as soon as I got back home things started to sink in. As expected, he also asked me for my salary expectations.When I got home I soon remembered some points which I forgot to bring up. It was bound to happen but I could still e-mail my questions anyways. The main questions that were leftover were for example :

• What would be the possible future responsibilities of this position?
• Plans to upgrade to the latest technologies and such.

In my e-mail, (after thanking him of course) I emphasized that I am now in a permanent position now and in order for me to be able to give that up, I need either an attractive freelance contract or a solid employment offer. My current contract has a one month notice so in order to join their firm full time on the 1st of April, I’d have to resign before the end of February. However I also told them that I am eager to take on new opportunities and leave behind my current job. I perfectly understand that, as a startup company, they need to be sure about the staff they hire as well. I then proposed the following possibilities:

• the company offers me an employment contract starting 1st of April after successfully completing the trial assignment or..
• we agree on a 2 month free lance contract with a market conform rate. After this contract, they can choose not to continue or offer me a regular employment contract or continue with the freelance situation.

The next day I received a reply by e-mail and the answer something like this: They are motivated in hiring the right person but they continue to interview at the moment. They do expect a decision in the next 7-10 days. He also confirmed that this is indeed a software development position, with programming as primary responsibility. They also expect to transition to C# gradually but at least the projection is that in 2 years 100% of the code will be .NET. And this year they will be using the latest version available for the database server. He said, he thinks the sample project is a great start and he would be sending it the same day.

About 4 pm same day I received the programming assignment. It was only a small function but it would show him my coding style and how well I implement the solution to his problem. At around 6:30pm I have turned it in. After that time, I have received no reply yet. Oh well, I guess it’s fine whatever happens. In the meantime, in my day-off my colleagues from my department called me and told me they needed some data sent. However, my VPN does not work. I called our so-called network guys and the only thing he asked me was to reboot (!) and to reinstall my policy. Nothing worked. I am not surprised anyways.. This is one of the main things that leave me disgruntled about my job is that our network guys are so unreliable and our infrastructure is not working half the time.

It was good that my colleague was able to send me copies of my code and since I have a client installed on my machine I could at least see if it compiles. I sent him new code to handle the request and the code to create the job. It was finished in no time. Thanks to him!

But anyways, let’s see what happens.